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OB, THE 



AGE OF BRASS. 



DEDICATED BY THE AUTHOB 
TO THE 



^-^' 



PRESIDENT AND GENTLEMEN 



OF THE 



SOCIETY OF PLYMOUTH,, ,: 

■'2:i 1875 



Fob Sale by all Bo^SBii^^p;a^^ 



NEW YORK : 
Published by the Authob, 

1875. 



/A 



) 






Bi>|«red aeeording to Act of Oongrees, in the year 1875, bj 
JoHM B. ELANBXiKB, io the office of the Librarian of Coa- 
'' greet, at Waehington D, C. 



To the Public. 

Whbubas, Mr. Beecher, in hia answer to Mr. Tilton'» 
charges, puts me in mind of holy Willie's Prayer and is so 
strikingly in keeping with his career, viz., of holding up 
that part of the population of New England and this 
country, who are descendants of the Puritans, for a sample, 
as a moral and virtuous pure Christian people, and espe- 
cially that phrase wh ire he says, " I hold to the old New 
England' doctrine," that every man cleave unto his own 
wife, and so forth ; forsooth, iiot like those heatheuB Around 
about, as New Yorekrs, Jerseymen,- or- other foreigners ! 
Now, I for one protest against this Pharisaical slang, "O 
Lord, I thank Thee," &c., for New England has no right to 
be held up as a particular example to neither joung or old, 
to be followed after! First leaving aside the Puritan's 
twaddle of coming here for "conscience sake," and then 
prosciibing everybody as soon as they had a footing, or 
their trading in rum, Indians, and negroes, stealing from 
them their land and selling them into slavery, or their fitting 
out those horrible hulks known as the African Slavers! 

Let bygones be bygones, and come down to Mr. Beech- 
er's time. Newspapers and statisticians tell m that of 
all the marriages contracted in that land of morality, eape- 



cially by descendants of Pilgrims and that stripe, one-half 
of them are "unhitched" again before the first year goes 
around, one-eighth of them the first month, or before* the 
honey moon should end, thus minding the heavenly in- 
junction, "What God has joined, let no man put asunder," 
in regular New England style ; but of those that do stick 
any length of time, statistitians tell us again, that the mildew 
of abortion and infanticide had become such a blight, that 
meeting as well as school-houses, as far as the Puritans and 
their descendants were concerned, would in a very short 
time be altogetiier superfluous, and that certain articles of 
goods [?] formed a trade, advertised in the leading news- 
papers, religious as well as secular, to say nothing of her 
own manufacture. 01 those " cure-for-all-care" nostrums 
such as "Female Pills thit Never Fail, " pain-killer! famous 
for its pain-killer villa, Mrs. Davis and a certain Major, 
whose proprietors deserve ia mortality as well as Dr. Horn- 
book. And a descendant of the Puritans informs me that 
the thousands of bottles and baskets of champagne and 
other foreign mixtures imported into Boston, where there 
drank, by total prohibition legislators and temperance re- 
unionists, the casks and bottles refilled with an article 
half-way between hard cider and apple-jack, and, along 
with the soiled doves, palmed oft" on Chicago, and that 
those Westerners were greatly elated with both of the 
"genuine articles." Now, to hold up these Puritans and 
their descendants as a pattern, to say nothing of their Credit 



Mobilier phalacx and lialf-built mill-dams, to us heathens 
around about, beats the Pharisees of old, and I hope that 
these few lines will convince Messrs. Beecher, Talmadge & 
Co, that when they get to exhorting their flocks again, and 
especialh " those rams that cross thi breed," they will, in- 
stead of holding up near.by New England as a pattern, refer 
us and them tf the land of the " Czar '' or the " Sultan." 

Freehold, January 20, 1875. 



The New England Dinner. 

[Extract from the Herald, Dec. 26th, 1874.] 

It is a great pity that the Plymouth Pilgrims did not 
land at a different season ot the year, for the genial, gentle 
influence of the natal day ot Christianity, with its pleasant, 
convivial, commemorative ceremonial, its flovirers and its 
holly leaves, is sorely interfered with by the grim Puritan 
anniversary five days before. The original Puritans shud- 
dered at the very name of Christmas. The 20th of Decem- 
ber is much too near the 25th. Not that the contempo- 
raneous mod( of celebrating Forefathers' Day [exactly as if 
nobody else had forefathers !J is in any sense grim. Very 
far from it. The Puritan of to-daj does not even go to 
church or, to speak more properly, to '' meeting," or as Mr. 
Beecher says in his letters to Miss Proctor, "to sermon," on 
his anniversary ; but he, or those who can aiford it, after a 
morning lucratively spent, dine ostentatioiisly at Delmoni- 
co's and there make and listen to speeches of boastfulness 
and self-exultation. So, year after year, it goes on, and the 
New Englander who makes or listens to these speeches, 
convinces himself, or is convinced by them, that the early 
Puritans were not only the " salt of the earth," fo^ that is a 
homely, byillustration, but the chosen of God, especially 
in this our Western land, alongside of whom the Cavalier 
and the Huguenot and the Quaker, and the Dutch Protes- 
tant and the Scotch-Irishman from Ul8ter,or the Catholic from 
the South, or the German, all fugitives at one time or another 
from persecution quite as fierce as ever visited Elder Brewster 



8 

«nd his crew, are nobodies and of no account, and the 
Puritan descendants are as great and good as their pro- 
genitor ». We say they who make or listen to such rhetori- 
cal balderdash can by no possibility, in the course of five 
days, sink down to the appreciation of such humble, mod- 
■cst joys as those of Christmas. With ihem the landing of 
the Pilgrims is a greater event than the birth of the Saviour 
of mankind. The worst of it is, too, that there is what in 
music is known as a crescendo. Fifty, nay, twenty years 
ftgo, the New England dinner and speeches, here, at least, 
in New York, were naught to what they are now. 

We had one the other day which, in homely phrase, beat, 
in ambitious, self-complacent rhetoric, all its predecessors 
out of sight. It would be indecorous and utterly inconsis- 
tent with the general object we have in view to criticise in 
-detail post-prandial speeches of such accredited orators of 
New England boastfulness, clerical and lay, as Beecher and 
Chapin and our Conklingand the " President of the Society 
of Plymouth.'' It was neck and neck, the Brooklyn nag, 
with more bottom and steady from recent training, coming 
In ahead. To our taste — but we are not competent judges 
of the article — President Bailey's was the best speech of the 
evening. It was playful. It was genial, and, oddly enough, 
it said not a word about the Pilgrims and did not mention 
the Mayflower. 

But, as we say, Mr. Beecher outdid himself, while Sena- 
tor Conkling, according to one of his acmirers, was merely 
ornate and eloquent. But, as we have said, we eschew de- 
'tail, and, accepting these speeches as the appropriate gloss 
of the sentiment within, again we ask, and they afford no 
adequate answer, by what right do men ol New Enorlfind 
blood — and especially this topical blood — arrogate tothiem- 
<elve8 such pre-eminence^? 



We concede what they call their sturdy elements of char- 
acter. "With adversaries like the Indians, brave, austere^ 
rigorous, revengeful, intellectual and severely but not gently 
moral, they bore their early discipline well. How long 
their stern morality stood may admit of question —for cer- 
tain it is that of oi e crime, than which the Puritans of to- 
day know no one darker, they sold their captives into 
slavery and shipped them in bulk to the West Indies. Has- 
not the New York Historical Society proved this, and does 
not Bancroft admit it? But we deny the pre-eminence a» 
a fact, and question the basis on which it is supposed to 
rest. One good of their commernorations may be to set' 
people to inquiring into the truth of our early as well as of 
our recent story. We do not doubt the result. 



I did fully inquire, 

And over the facts my heart got on fire ; 

So let critics sniff and suool, 

I never 'tended any but a country school ; 

And my name is unknown 

To fame or renown I 

But the Sim and Herald I peruse, 

And there found the theme that woke up my muse. 

80 if I stand or fall, 

To them I shall lay it all. 



10 

At Brownhill we always get dainty good cheer, 
And plenty of bacon each day in the year ; 
We have all things that's neat, and mostly in season, 
But why always bacon ? come, give me the rea^iy:. V 

— [Burns. 

A wider space, a greener field is given, 

To those who play their tricks before high Heaven, 

— [Bri/on, Age of Bronze, 

At Brooklyn, on the Heights, 

We always meet with delights, 

For the singing is fine, /. 

And the ladies look divine ; 

But for a sample of morality and virtues abundftnt, we 
are always referred to those from New England 



AGE OF BRASS; 

OB, NEW ENGLAND. 



Kow, New England, thy chief surgeon 

Has well nigh torn thy escutcheon, 

Though he freely spend those with the golden creit j 

No longer could he hide his little nest. 

It's !now a little over years forf y 
Since thou has't taken to exhorting, 
Spoken despairingly of Calvin and Enox, 
And ill-pleased people orthodox. 

Told them— 
How the Irish, English, Scotch and German, 
Scarce had left a godly germ in ; 
All those nations 'round about 
Them thou well could'st put to route. 



12 

But on the descendants and those of thy flock, 

Who stationed first around Plymouth Rock, 

Always heap'st thou such laudations ; 

That, when they get to wandering in the mazes, 

Or get to kicking over the traces. 

As long as they only M^ear grave, proud faces, 

And are on the Sabbath in their places, 

With well-filled purse, 

Then may all outsiders innurse 

The praise of them through thy discourse. 

How their forefathers had left yon distant shore, 
A land their virtues could but abhor ; 
Come here as " Mayflower's" precious freight, 
To be, to this land, a shining light ! 

How thej resolv'd on their knee, 
With many a well-meant vow and plea ; 
How every vice should i tay over the sea, 
If the Lord would only give them and theirs 
Of this continent a perpetual lease. 

H )w bigots, such as Catholic Roman, ■ 

Shall never on this soil set foot on ; 
And as for Free-thinkers and Baptist, 
They should evaporate in smoke and mist. 



13 

Well may'st thou give thanks for thee'^and thine, 

For gifts temporal and divine, 

For never such another crew 

Has left any nation, be it Gentile or Jew. 

For thou and thine hast never told 
How for that filthy lucre — gold — 
[I take the hint from Britain's bard of old,] 
That those same Puritans had sold, 
And all in one vessers hold had stowed, 
Not only flour and New England rum, 
But also Indian men and maidens, both old and young. 
Not even she could their avarice restrain, 
Whose brother might have worn a diadem. [King 
Philip's sister.] 

How could they so abuse 

The little papoose, 

Its mother and father, 

For the sake of an article to barter. 

To tear away to clime torrid 
Those children of the forest I 
For to slave and to toil 
On West India soil ! 

Along with that rum. 
The driver's senses to stun. 
And yet claim a name. 
And a Christiaa lame. 



14 

And well may they behind Hill Bunker Bonlk/ ■? 

When history mentions their slave]hulk8; 

For other nations too might exult. 

And say they brought Africans here in bulk. 

Tore from Africa's sunny shore, 

Their decks all reeking with gore, 

Both men and women, old and young; 

And yet proclaim with pen and^tongue, 

That they were the substance and sum — 

True followers of Him who on the cross wasj^fetruBg 

Those daughters from the blue Nile, 

Taken to slack guile. 

Their miseries bewailed ; 

But on them ccmld not prevaiil 

To leave them in their vale. 

And when they had disposed of their ware, 
In Savannah or Delaware, 
They soon after went to sneering 
At Carolinian and Virginian. 

And though they may trade jiow no rum for^indigo^ 

Still they are making calico ; 

The first would not do for burning witches, 

The second scarcely holds the'stitches. 



Or what hast thou to put in the balance ? 
To offset this Credit Mobilier phalanx— 
A crew that almost put hors du combat 
The name of Morse and poet Dana? 

Is it Garfield or Dawes, 
80 skilled in division and laws! 
Or is it cock-eyed Spoony Butler, 
A General for contractor and suttler ? 

Or is it Oakes Ames,, 

Who settled their games? 

Or Harland and Pomeroy, 

Who makes Iowa and Kansas their toy f 

With Indiana Rings as a specific, 

And Central Pacific as a physic. 

They were the team ! 

That could get up steam ; 

Could for bleeding Kansas chimel 

Or Sambo in our Southern clime. 

They were the crowd 

That could shout. 

And concoct the quorum 

To tax fifty per cent, to ad valornm. 

So does cur nation's honor glide ! 
Filched by these Puritan parasites ; 
Though ccarce a century over its head, 
Founded by Washington and Lafayette. 



16 

3nt, not onlj in those acts and scenes, 

That are generally performed behind the screen»^ 

Are thine active sons thus seen, 

But murder and rape scrapes between 

Are now oit(n New England village scenes ; 

Thou can'st not say, It's all the Milesians ; 

No, its the sons of blue blood and patricians. 

Of thy lecturers getting drunk, 

That, when put to bed, fall out of their bunk ; 

And what, if thy pirates don't carry the dagger, 

Yet New England furnished the ^^ Carpet-bagger ;** 

And as for that famous Bullock, 

'Twere better he were under a hillock. 

New Englanders 
Don't only force s corner in stocks or gold, 
Like a highwayman true and bold ; 
But also on butter, coal, cattle, corn and wheat, 
To show that you are sprung from real dead-beatSv 

And as for operating at the forge, 

Their big pockets lull to gorge ; 

On checks lor money, stocks or gold. 

New England's sons are most keen and bold. 

But Johnny Bull 

Is not so dull; 

He catch'd them at Hull ; 

At a ball and. chain they now pull. 



17 

Though thy Doctors in Divinity, Physic or Law, 

In every neighbor's creed, morality and mixture, find 

a flaw, 
Though their own may not be worth a straw ; 
In almanacs and pamphlets they may elaborate, 
Like April snow will they evaporate. 

Those cures lor all cares, 

Prepared by one Ayres ; 

And what a pain that fluid raises, 

Prepared by one Davis ; 

Better take of Hornbook's shavings, 

Than to trust their subtle sayings. 

01 that old barker, Dr. Parker, 

Of that old screecher, Lyman Beecher, 

Or ol Brigham Young 

And his chums. 

At Uncle Sam's forms, 

O ! how he storms. 

But go ahead, brethren, bellweather every sham, 
Though you hare to build around it a coff'er-dam ; 
Have faith in lellows like Dr. Owen, 
But sneer at the heroine of Rouen I 

Or has't thou heard ol that patrician, 
By courtesy the ttate's statistician, 



18 



Who tells U8 that there the pledge for Hyfe. . 
li taken as the Scot takes his fife ; 
Each party interprets it for himself, 
And lays the unsuited on the shelf ; 
So that in ab(»ut half .of a century 
Pilgrim school houses will be empty ; 
For ialanticide, that curse and blight, 
Wa« practiced without shame or afright! 

Bride and groom 
Play their tune, 
Though it scarce outlast 
Other people's honeymoon I 

01 that pain-killer villa, 
Surrounded by daisies, 
A Major D, on Verandah, 
Hugging Mrs. Davis. 

And well thou knowest 

That many things in lace and gloves 
Are nothing but those solid doves 
From Boston's harems, sent south and WMt» 
There to spread the modern pest. 

Now, Henry dear, take my advice, 
If thou and thine deserve laudation, 
Let th$t be done by other aationg ! . 



19 

Those leaves we then may eager seize. 

As the veteran the medal on return of peaee, 

And display it as the '*hero" bold, 

On your very bosoms fold ; 

" So instead of commendation, 

Hold them up to execration," 

For a mother that her child constantly doe» pri^se 

For its rain, the sandy foundation lays. 

But let that praise f lom others come, 

Then it's the layer of the rocky form ; 

And do thou take care, 

Of things Pharisaical beware, 

£ls« thou might fare 

Like Wyiie of Ay re, 

Who so nobly got his turns 

From poet Robert Burns. 

But tell them, without fear or stammer, 
In harangues called old style sledge-hammer ; 
For thou hast voice that still can'st call 
Their attention to what said St. Paul. 

** That they are aboard and in that yawl, 
Far I far ! out of reach 
Of even a rocky or a sandy beach ; 
Far 1 far I from safety or port, 
By every squall and wind made sport, 
Hither driven to and fro, 
Far every M. D. and D. D. for pay or show.** 



20 

Tell them that pills, bodices and corsets 

Still would make them more effeminate ; 

That all their trash of patent nostrums 

Would entirely unfit them for the rostrum ; 

They would still make them more lean and lank, 

And scarcely leave them butt or shank, 

And that those things they buy at Kimball's 

Would only leave them tinkling cymbals; 

And that that thing they call a Frenchman 

Will deliver them over to the devil's own henchman, 

Oder das Weiber die so fruh verbleichen 

Sind nicht werth das sie die Huad. An 

With cheeks all sallow ! 
When not painted yellow ! 
With looks, anything but Roman, 
But rather like the tribe of Onan. 

With gums and teeth 

And breast to meet. 

And some of calf 

To help make out the other liall 

1 for that bustle, 

! how it tussels ; 
O ! for them ruffles, 

1 how they shuffle. 



21 

Tell them your body and form shows decline, 

As your airs and your looks does repine, 

And if it was not for that thing called false hair. 

Taken from a corpse, or tail of a mare, 

As your skull is, so your scalp would be bare. 

Though you all professed admirers be, , 

Young and old, she and he, 

Of him who says : 

It's all to be, or not to be. 

So, tell them thou, as well as Talmage, 
Really what true Christian balm is ; 
That it is not eloquence nor cant, 
Neither sickly sentiment. 

And as for that church thou call'st Romish, 
Which, to say the least, is rather borish, 
She never could or would be forced 
(They really want to see the corpse, ) 
Death alone grants her divorce. 

Though the supplicant be Emperor Roman, 
Or that great European foeman, 
A bold old Briton's fleshy Harry, 
With their first love, all must tarry. 



22 

On fleehy luet must put the break i 
Or in fire eternal quake ; 
Such »he says is her decree ! 
For prince or peasant, bond or free ! 



Tell them that in those vows, 
Taken at the hymenial altars, 
Though taken under leafless bou|^8. 
Not even Indian or negro falterf. 



And Pat of all does stick the best, 

Though with the shillelah may answer her behest, 

And often their rash step may rue. 

When eyes and face are black and blue. 

The German never Staves his Irau, 
Though Tiltons mfty their vengeance vow ; 
For with great cdre and deliberation 
Does he enter marital relation. 



Tell them tllat wives and husbands may be looked at. 

And they fiiay stare. 

Still they are not like peddling ware, 

Or thin|fs to be done vip in tin foil, 

Then J4id aside and left to spoil. 



So when again ye notice 

In a neighbor's eye a chip, 

Think how you was catched close by her hip 

So never more let's compare or noting, 

As along life's stream we are floating.- 

Then people whom ihou ill can'st spare, 
Will at all times by thee swear, 
Though those may then refuse to follow 
Who li\:e on pie-crust m ido from tallow, 
Ordoughnuts fried in hog's lard 
Until they are rocky hard ; 
Or pork and beans, that won't digest, 
This hardy never be their guest. 

Thou shalt then httve renewed by me 

With ragout and saur kraut, 

And haggis en fricassee, 

[Thy noble looks and wonted cheer,] 

With Rhine wine, Burgundy and lager bier. 

Then our youngsters shan't say, 

They are pretty factors ; 
That Beecher and Talmage, 

The one rants at actors, 
The other pays salvage. 



24 

So no more of Cotton Mather, Brewster and his clan, 

A long, thin visaged, dreary set of men, 

In whose very countenance you could trace 

The Pharisee, or the traits of him who left his place, 

A rope and palm-tree limb to grace, 

A set, though Loo. would sell them a county for a few 

beads ; 
Still could not refrain from playing rogues and cheat 

But tell us something of Columbus, Lafayette, 

Baltimore and Penn., 
Or of Kosciusko, De Kalb, or Steuben — 

Truly a noble set of men. 

Or of Montgomery, or Moll Pitcher ; 

But then that would distort your every feature ; 

Their motto was not, "Thrift ! thrift ! thrift !" 

Even if you have to steal a steamboat or an Indian skiff. 

So be for you again, as at Delmonico's go a spinning, 
I'd stop, and get washed a little of my own dirty linen. 
For they say you are the Indian, with your fingers in 

that log, 
And Theodore is the Yankee, that will make you travel 

in cog. 



25 

Thou bragg'st so much of Lexingtou and '7§» 

Just as if France at Yorktown 

Hadn't help win the stakes ; 

Of art, religious freedom, and of press, 

If it all came from Plymouth, 

Like apple sass. 

So instead of kissing continually the stone of blarney, 
Tell us meekly something o( Moultrie, 
Sumter, Light-horse Harry, or Commodore Barmey; 
Men who never flinched, though it hailed shell and shot, 
And what cared they for thy Plymouth Rock ? 

Or just mention Hendrick Hudson, or De Soto, 
Discoverers of Hudson's and Mississippi's fartheet 

grottos ; 
Or «ay something of General Nash or mad Anthony 

Wayne; 
Was such a contrast ever before seen ? 

And as for modern. heroes, on sea or land^*;: • : •■: 
What has New England to compare : ; • i 
With Kearney, Thomas, Meade, or Grant?: .; 7/ 
Though Ulysses lately, got a little on the .strand. 
Yet, as General and, soldier J. renowned in every, land. 



26 

And what about those giants of Tennessee, 

Who twice conquered Mississippi's Keyes ? 

Did Farragutt not lash himself to the mizzen mast, 

While shot and shell flew thick and last ? 

Did not long before Jackson, Packenham thrash V 

Ot what about our own David D. ? 
No land-lubber, oh no, not he ! 
Neither was Dahlgreen, nor P. 8. Lee. 



Your stripe partakes, I will not say of coward, 
Yet you know all about that Christian, Gen. Howard, 
And what a mess they made at Predericksburgh and 
Chancellorsville, 

Though about Bermuda Hundred, Bethel, Fisher, I*d 
just keep atill. 



Now, M. and T., it's really a sin 
To shoot the bird when on the wing, 
When its just beginning to have lull swing; 
And, besides, you have taken his stamps, 
liike dirty, loafing, greedy tramps. 



87, 

You, too, belong to that crowd, 
That always about other people shout 
Through pamphlets, and newspapers spout ; 
80 I put you likewise to route. 
With me a little powder and ball 
Would have settled fees and all. 

So, Henry, it's really too bad 
To be mixed with such a run of shad. 
T. and Moulton are the chaps 
Who have made for you the traps. 

Thou, who canst, but to Heaven soar, 
And at everything but New England roar. 
Is thy case really so bare and thin ? 
What thou of orators, the King ? 
' Have need of four of those whippers-in. 

Now, I think, you Glendenning and Kinsella, 
Better scud for the Straits of Magellan ; 
From under the equator urge the race, 
Alaska is for you the place. 



28 



So, just for once, of Plymouth Rock heave clear. 
For in the briny main thou lov'st to steer; 
There the Puritans might have seen their peers, 
Those jolly, daring Buccaneers ! 

So, up with the jib— hoist the mainsail — 

There you strik^ heroic trail ! 

(For things round Plymouth must be getting stale;) 

There, wafted by the evening gale, 

You may hear their victims' spirits wail. 

Frobisher, Raleigh, Lafitte and Drake 
Made many a Spanish maindeck shake ; 
They snapp'd their fingers at prohibition, 
And, for a cloak, didn't wrap 'round religion. 

It matter'd not, whether north (»r south they steer'd. 
As long as the voyage brought them gear ; 
*' Adventurous hearts, who barter'd bold 
Their English steel for Spanish gold."— Scott. 



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